Screw You Guys I'm Investing Analyzing Global Markets Like a Boss

• Emerging markets are ripe for the taking, especially if you hate the U.S. dollar like I do.
• South Korea's Kospi is gonna explode, so get in on that chip action now, you guys.
• The FTSE 100 is where it's at if you're too dumb to understand AI, which most of you are.

Respect My Authoritah U.S. Futures and Iran

Okay, so the grown-ups are all worried about Iran again. Whatever. All I care about is how it affects my freakin' money. Apparently, things are "relatively unchanged," which means I'm not instantly rich or poor. Yet. The S & P 500 is doing its thing, but frankly, I'm bored already. It's like watching Butters try to do math. Painful.

Emerging Markets are Calling My Name

Some fancy pants from Manulife Investment Management, this Colin dude, says the dollar is gonna tank. Good. I hate the dollar. It never brings me enough freakin' money. He's all about "emerging markets" which I guess means places that aren't as cool as South Park. But hey, if they got money to burn, I'm in. It's all about "picking your spots carefully," he says. Translation Find the dumbest country and take their cash. Speaking of cool countries, you should check out this article on Minnesota Mining Moratorium Overturned Groovy Baby that is also an emerging market.

Kospi is Ready to Explode According to Cartman

This Goldman Sachs guy, Timothy Moe, is saying the Kospi in South Korea is gonna go nuts. Like, even more nuts than Butters when he's grounded. He says there's a "perfect positive storm" brewing. All I hear is money, money, money. Apparently, these chip companies are printing cash faster than I can eat a bag of Cheesy Poofs. He's even saying this could last for years. Years, you guys. That's like, a million allowances. I'm so in.

Screw AI Give Me Old-School Stocks

This Anna Macdonald chick from Hargreaves Lansdown is talking about the FTSE 100. Apparently, it's for people who are too stupid to understand AI. Which is probably all of you. She's saying there's money to be made in energy, mining, and boring stuff like that. Whatever. As long as it makes me rich, I don't care if it's selling lemonade to lepers.

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home To Invest

So, there you have it. My expert analysis. Emerging markets, South Korea, and maybe some old-school stocks if you're a freakin' idiot. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go figure out how to short sell Kyle's mom. Respect my authoritah.

Don't Forget My Cheesy Poofs

Oh, and one more thing. If any of you guys make millions off my advice, I expect a cut. And a lifetime supply of Cheesy Poofs. Don't even think about stiffing me. You'll regret it. Trust me. Now get out of here and make me rich