Larry Summers Bails on Harvard Faster Than I Bail on Kyle's Mom

• Larry Summers resigns from Harvard University after scrutiny over his ties to Jeffrey Epstein.
• Summers' resignation follows the release of emails detailing his connection to Epstein.
• Harvard University is conducting a review of documents related to Jeffrey Epstein.
• Other Ivy League schools, including Columbia and Yale, are also facing scrutiny over their faculty's connections to Epstein.

Sweet Retirement Dude

Alright, listen up, you guys. It's Eric Cartman here, reporting live from my mom's basement – the most legit newsroom in South Park. So, this Larry Summers dude, big shot at Harvard, is ditching his teaching gig. Why, you ask? Well, apparently, he was buddy-buddy with this Jeffrey Epstein guy, and now everyone's all freaked out. I'm not saying he's guilty of anything, but let's just say it smells fishier than Kyle's farts after a chili cook-off. He will be engaging in research, analysis, and commentary on a range of global economic issues, which sounds boring.

Harvard's Havin' a Bad Time

So, Harvard's all in a tizzy, doing a review of Summers' emails. Apparently, he was seeking guidance from Epstein while trying to get with some chick. Classic move, dude. Reminds me of when I tried to get Wendy Testaburger to like me by pretending to be a robot. Didn't work out so well. Anyway, the Dean of Harvard Kennedy School accepted Summers' resignation from his leadership position as co-director of the Mossavar-Rahmani Center for Business and Government. This is not something a genius does. Listen, if you're a retail investor and starting to feel like the swamp is closing in, maybe it's time to think about jumping ship. You know, ditch those risky bets and head for something a little safer. I am talking about defensive plays. But hey, what do I know I am only a kid [CONTENT] - anyway, to each his own, I guess. You might want to check out this article, Retail Investors Beware Ditching the Swamp for Defensive Plays May Cost You, just in case you need some ideas.

Blame Canada.. I Mean, Epstein

It's not just Summers, though. Turns out, other Ivy League schools are getting dragged into this mess too. Columbia and Yale are looking into their professors' connections to Epstein. It's like a freaking domino effect of guilt and awkwardness. I bet they're all wishing they could just yell, "Respect my authoritah" and make it all go away, but that's not how the world works, sadly.

I'm Not Fat, I'm Big-Boned

Summers claims he's "deeply ashamed" and takes "full responsibility" for his actions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they all say when they get caught with their pants down. Reminds me of when I pretended to be Token so I could get free candy. I felt really ashamed of myself, almost as ashamed as when I tried to pretend to be a ghost.

Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home

So, Summers is taking a leave of absence and then retiring. Basically, he's saying, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." Can't say I blame him. Dealing with all this Epstein drama probably sucks more than having to sit through a Kenny McCormick death scene. It also reminds me of when he resigned from the board of the artificial intelligence company OpenAI - so many resignations, something is fishy there.

What What What

The main point here is clear: associating with sketchy people can ruin your career. I think this applies to me when I hang out with Butters all the time. This is a lesson that even I, Eric Cartman, am prepared to learn. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go plot my next money-making scheme. Cartman out.