Trump Says Adios to Iran Troops Soonish

• President Trump anticipates U.S. military withdrawal from Iran in "two or three weeks."
• A White House announcement detailed that Trump will address the nation regarding Iran.
• Trump suggests the U.S. might declare victory without a negotiated settlement.
• The U.S. has reportedly bombed missile-making facilities in Iran.

Eat My Shorts, Iran: Trump's Troop Exit Strategy

Ay, caramba. Bart Simpson here, your favorite fourth-grade investigative journalist. So, The Man, I mean, President Trump, says he's pulling the troops out of Iran in like, two or three weeks. Two or three weeks, people. That's faster than Milhouse can lose his glasses. He told reporters at the White House, probably while eating a burger or something, that "there's no reason for us to do this." No reason? Sounds like something Dad would say when he's too lazy to mow the lawn.

Victory Declared: Did We Win or Just Give Up

Apparently, Trump's not too keen on making a deal either. He thinks we can just, like, declare victory and head home. It's like when I beat Martin Prince at Krusty's arcade game – I just walked away before he could challenge me to a rematch. Smart, right? But seriously, he's saying Iran doesn't need to make a deal because they're, quote, "much more accessible." Whatever that means. Maybe they finally installed Wi-Fi? Speaking of deals, it sounds a lot like the story of Novo and Hims Bury the Hatchet Family Style, where everyone just decided to move on instead of fighting. Peace out, or something.

Stone Age Promises and Nuclear No-Nos

Trump also mentioned something about putting Iran into the Stone Ages so they can't get a nuclear weapon. The Stone Ages? I didn't know we had a time machine. Maybe Professor Frink is involved. He even said, and I quote, "It's irrelevant now." Irrelevant? That's harsh, even for Mr. Burns. Apparently, whether they make a deal or not, we're leaving once they're good and... stone-aged. Seems a bit extreme, even for itchy and Scratchy.

They Want a Deal, I Want a Donut

According to Trump, Iran wants a deal more than he does. Which, frankly, I find hard to believe. I mean, does he know how good donuts are? But he says things will be "finished" pretty soon. He then went on about how we're "totally unchecked" and "everything's been bombed out" in Iran. Sounds like someone's been playing too much Grand Theft Auto. I mean, come on. It's like when Skinner and Chalmers go to war, there's going to be a lot of explosions.

Missile-Making Mayhem: A Night of Boom

And get this, last night, we apparently "knocked out tremendous amounts of missile-making facilities." Tremendous amounts? Whoa. That's a lot of kablooey. I bet even Milhouse could see the explosions from his house. It kind of reminds me of when I accidentally blew up the school with fireworks, except, you know, on a slightly larger scale. Doh, I mean, who knew?

Cowabunga or Cowa-bummer

So, there you have it folks. Trump's pulling out of Iran, maybe declaring victory, and possibly turning them into cavemen. Stay tuned for more updates, and remember, don't have a cow, man. Or do, I don't care. But keep your eyes peeled for that address to the nation; it’s gonna be a doozy.