Screw You Guys I'm Flying Private United Hikes Baggage Fees Again

• United Airlines increased checked bag fees by $10 due to rising fuel costs.
• The new fee is $45 if paid in advance and $50 if paid within 24 hours of the flight.
• JetBlue also raised its checked bag fees, signaling an industry-wide trend.
• Customers with airline credit cards or elite status can avoid these fees.

Respect My Authoritah United's Latest Money Grab

God DAMMIT! United Airlines, those dirty hippies, are raising their baggage fees AGAIN. Now it's gonna cost me like, $45 to check my first bag if I pay ahead of time. And if I'm late? $50. FIFTY DOLLARS. That's almost as much as a Kenny McCormick's funeral. Seriously, screw you guys, I'm going home. Or, I would, if I could afford to get my luggage there.

Fuel Prices? More Like Fuel PRICE GOUGING

They're blaming it on fuel costs, of course. Apparently, fuel prices in Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, and New York are up a bajillion percent since that whole mess with Iran. It's always something, isn't it? First, it's terrorists, then it's global warming, now it's fuel prices. I'm telling you, this is all a conspiracy by the Jews. Or maybe Canada. I really should read up more on the Panama Canal Tug-of-War A Global Trade Showdown to see how that plays into this mess.

JetBlue's In On It Too? What What What?

And guess what? JetBlue, those cheapskates, are doing the same thing. They hiked their baggage fees too. I swear, they're all in cahoots, those little bastards. It's like that time Wendy Testaburger started that whole breast cancer awareness thing just to get attention. It's all about the money, money, money. They're all just a bunch of Eric Cartmans, trying to get ahead.

Loopholes For The Rich and Famous

Of course, there are loopholes. If you have some fancy airline credit card, or you're a "MileagePlus Premier member" (whatever the hell that is), or you're in the military, you get to check your bags for free. Oh, and first-class seats get a free bag too. So, basically, if you're rich, you don't have to pay. That's just great. As usual, the little guy gets screwed.

Respect My Authoritah: This Affects EVERYTHING

It's not just airlines, either. Even Amazon, that giant, greedy corporation, is adding a "fuel and logistics-related surcharge" to fees for third-party sellers. So, basically, everything is going up. I'm telling you, this is the end of the world as we know it. We're all gonna die in a fiery apocalypse, and I won't even be able to afford to check my Mr. Froggy doll.

Screw You Guys I'm Going Home...Eventually

So, what's a fat kid to do? I guess I'll just have to start smuggling my stuff in my ass. It's not like they can check there, right? Wait, don't give them any ideas. Anyway, screw you guys, I'm going home. Or, at least, I'm going to try to figure out how to afford to get home. Maybe I can convince Butters to carry my bags. He's such a little bitch, he'd do anything.