Trump Dumps Noem Like Yesterday's TV Dinner

• Trump fires Kristi Noem, replaces her with Sen. Markwayne Mullin, hoping to unlock DHS funding.
• Democrats demand major changes at DHS, including body cameras and an end to warrantless searches, before agreeing to funding.
• Shutdown continues as Senate Dems block funding proposal, House passes bill with bipartisan support but fails to reach the filibuster threshold.
• Democrats like Schumer and Murphy say the problems at DHS run deeper than just one person, pointing to Stephen Miller's influence.

Another One Bites the Dust: Noem Gets Canned

Alright, so apparently, President Fat Ass—er, I mean, Trump—decided Kristi Noem wasn't cutting the mustard. He fired her from her Homeland Security gig. Now, I don't know much about her, but if Trump fired her, she probably deserved it. Or maybe he just needed someone else to blame for his own screw-ups. Whatever. He's putting in Sen. Markwayne Mullin, some guy from Oklahoma. Probably a good ol' boy who knows how to kiss Trump's flabby butt. Good for him, I guess. Still think I should be in charge, at least I can command respect and authoritah.

Dems Still Playing Hardball: No Cash for You

The Democrats ain't happy, though. They're saying Noem getting fired doesn't change squat when it comes to giving the Department of Homeland Security their precious money. They want changes, big changes. Something about ICE and CBP acting like thugs instead of cops. Sheesh, cry me a river! And while we're on the topic of Trump, you should read about Trump Backs Crypto Against Banks Sending Coinbase Soaring. Now, I'm no expert on that crap, but if it pisses off the banks, it's gotta be at least a little funny. Maybe I'll invest in some crypto myself. CartmanCoin, maybe?

Demands, Demands, Demands: More Rules Than Casa Bonita

These Democrats want everything. They want those border patrol dorks to wear body cameras, stop doing those "warrantless searches" (whatever those are), and stop wearing masks. What is this, some kinda commie plot? You know, wearing masks is fun, it's like being a superhero, or the Coon! I guess they're still pissed about those two people who got shot in Minneapolis during some immigration thing. Wah wah wah. Everyone's so sensitive these days. They need to grow a pair, just like I did when I started Respecting my Authoritah.

Shutdown Showdown: Nobody's Getting Along

So, the government's still shut down. Big surprise. Republicans and Democrats can't agree on anything, especially not how to handle the border or give money to DHS. One Republican lady said the Democrats' demands are "absolutely ridiculous." I agree. They're acting like a bunch of Butters, whining about everything. Butters needs to shut his yap.

Senate Standoff: More Gridlock Than a Black Friday Sale

The Senate's blocking everything. They blocked that DHS funding proposal for the third time. The House passed a bill, but it ain't gonna get through the Senate. Meaning...more shutdown. More chaos. More time for me to plot world domination from my X-Box. I swear to God, if this means they cancel South Park again, I'm gonna be pissed.

Schumer's Salty: Miller's the Real Problem, Says Who?

Schumer, that whiny senator from New York, said good riddance to Noem. But he also said the problems are deeper than just one person, pointing fingers at Stephen Miller, some Trump advisor. Another Democrat guy, Murphy, agrees. They think Miller is pulling the strings. Maybe they should just blame the Jews. Nah, just kidding. (Don't tell Kyle I said that).