Tiger Woods Checks Into Rehab: Respect My Authoritah

• Tiger Woods announces he's seeking treatment following a DUI arrest in Florida.
• The arrest affidavit reveals police found hydrocodone pills and signs of impairment.
• Woods claims the crash occurred after he looked down at his phone.
• This incident follows a history of auto wrecks and substance-related issues for the golfer.

DUI, Dude? What What What?

Alright, listen up, you guys. Eric Cartman here, reporting live from my freakin' living room. So, this whole Tiger Woods thing? Total lameness. He crashed his car, got busted for DUI, and now he's going to rehab? Come on, dude. I'm not sayin' it's cool to drive under the influence, but grow up and deal with it. It's not like he killed Kenny or anything.

Hydrocodone? I Know Nuthin' About Hydrocodone

The cops found hydrocodone in his pants? Seriously? He should have just said he was holding it for a friend. Classic move. And seven back surgeries and twenty leg operations? Sounds like he needs more than just a golf swing adjustment, Butters. Speaking of other issues, I wanted to link to a related incident that could be connected with this, you can find more details in this article Global Oil Reserves Tapped Amidst Middle East Tensions. Maybe we could get more oil out of the Middle East to pay for Mr. Woods' operations. The truth is out there, so keep searching.

Blame Canada, Blame your Cell Phone, Whatever

He blames looking at his phone? Weak sauce. Own up to your mistakes, dude. "I looked down at my cell phone and did not realize that [the truck] had slowed down," he says. Everyone is responsible for their own actions! I'm not saying you have to follow the rules, but at least be a man and respect my authoritah

Rehab Schm-ehab

Now he's gonna go to rehab? I bet it's one of those fancy places where they serve gourmet meals and give you massages. Sounds kinda nice, actually. I wonder if they have Casa Bonita there? Wait a minute that's a brilliant business idea. Why don't they start a Casa Bonita themed rehab center with the real cliff divers and everything?

Donald Trump Weighs In, Respect My Authoritah

Even Donald Trump is giving his two cents. He says Woods "lives a life of pain." No kidding, Trumpy. Tell us something we don't know. This whole thing is just a big ol' waste of time. Now if you will excuse me, I have more important things to do.

PGA Tour Being PC

The PGA Tour is all like, "We support Tiger." Of course they do. He's their golden goose. They don't want him messing up their image. But let's be real, if I was running the PGA, I'd make them all wear South Park costumes during tournaments. Now that's some good TV.