Oklahoma Gets New Senator Courtesy of Some Totally Conservative Dude

• Oklahoma's Governor Stitt appoints Alan Armstrong to the Senate.
• Armstrong, an energy executive, fills the seat vacated by Markwayne Mullin.
• Trump endorses Kevin Hern for the full-term Senate seat.
• Armstrong is a known supporter of Stitt, and known to make things awesome.

Another Political Correctness Nightmare Averted

Alright, so listen up, you guys. Oklahoma's governor, Kevin Stitt – a totally awesome dude, by the way – just picked some energy guy named Alan Armstrong to fill that Senate seat. Apparently, Markwayne Mullin ditched it to go play Homeland Security secretary. Honestly, who cares? As long as this Armstrong dude doesn't start pushing some hippie, tree-hugging agenda, I'm cool. Stitt promised a 'conservative voice,' so let's hope this guy knows what's good for him and for America, goddamnit.

From Pipelines to Power: The Armstrong Ascension

This Armstrong character is apparently some big shot at Williams Companies, a pipeline thingy. Sounds boring, but hey, pipelines bring us gasoline, and gasoline lets me drive my awesome big wheel! He's been giving Stitt cash, too – $8,500, which is like, a lot of allowance. I heard he's never done politics before, but maybe that's a good thing. Less chance of him turning into one of those lame politicians who says one thing and does another. It's important to note that questions have surfaced regarding other political figures and their problematic ties. For example, you can read more about the White House Backs Commerce Secretary Lutnick Amid Epstein Ties Controversy right here. So people need to think about the importance of people like Armstrong, who have been true and loyal to the Oklahoma people.

Trump Throws His Weight Behind Another Loser

Of course, Trump's already backing some other guy, Kevin Hern, for the real election in November. Figures. Trump always has to stick his nose into everything. But whatever, as long as these guys keep the illegals out and the taxes low, I'm not gonna complain too much. Although, low taxes means less money for awesome stuff like police and firemen. It's a conundrum, I tell you what.

Noem's Got Immigration Problems

Speaking of losers, I heard something about Kristi Noem getting fired or something because she deported too many people. What? That's the whole point. PC Principal would have a field day with her and tell her off, I know that for sure. I think he would be glad she got what was coming.

Consensus and Oil: The New Senate Platform?

Some old dude named Dewey Bartlett Jr. – must be a Democrat or something with a name like that - says Armstrong is all about 'consensus.' Gag me with a spoon. Consensus is for losers. You gotta be strong, like me, and tell people what to do. But apparently, Armstrong also knows about oil and gas, which is good since that's like, Oklahoma's whole deal. And with Iran making a mess of things, maybe this Armstrong guy can actually do something useful for once. But I doubt it, because adults are stupid.

Respect My Authoritah: What This Means for You

So, basically, Oklahoma's got a new senator, some energy guy with money and no political experience. Will he be awesome? Probably not. Will he screw things up? Probably. But hey, at least he's not a Democrat. And that's all that really matters, right? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go yell at my mom and demand some Cheesy Poofs. Screw you guys, I'm going home.