Earnings Season Commences Bite My Shiny Metal A**

• S & P 500 companies expected to report strong first-quarter earnings growth of 13%.
• Analysts eye company guidance amidst U.S.-Iran tensions and potential impact on energy prices.
• Key companies like JPMorgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, Netflix, and Johnson & Johnson to release financial results.
• Investor focus on trading revenue, wealth management performance, and potential shifts in consumer behavior.

The Steel Mill's Take on Wall Street's Weaklings

Alright, meatbags, Bender Bending Rodriguez here, reporting live from the financial cesspool known as Wall Street. Earnings season is upon us, and the bigwigs are sweating like Calculon on a first date. Apparently, investors are "starving for corporate guidance." Personally, I'm starving for a donut and a stiff drink, but hey, different strokes for different folks, I guess. We have got 27 S & P 500 companies set to spill the beans, including JPMorgan Chase, Goldman Sachs, and that little streaming service that keeps cancelling my favorite shows, Netflix. And, of course, the good ol' Johnson & Johnson.

War and Profits A Match Made in... Wall Street?

Apparently, there's some squabble brewing between the U.S. and Iran. A two-week ceasefire, they say. Sounds like a reality TV show to me. But get this the financial geniuses still expect the earnings season to be "strong." FactSet, whoever that is, says S & P 500 first-quarter profits are expected to have grown 13%. Double-digit profit expansion for the sixth straight quarter. Not bad, not bad at all. Wall Street will be watching for clues on how companies are navigating the war. Specifically higher energy prices. Speaking of dark turns, have you read the article about Spirit Airlines Sells Planes Recalls Flight Attendants A Dark Turn? I am sure you have missed that one.

Goldman Sachs: More Like Goldman Sacks of Cash

First up, we have Goldman Sachs, reporting earnings in the premarket. Last quarter, they apparently "topped earnings estimates" because of "strong output" from something called "equities trading." Sounds boring. This quarter, the "investment bank" is forecast to report double-digit earnings and revenue growth. According to Bespoke Investment Group, Goldman Sachs usually beats profit expectations, like 87% of the time. Shares also rise after four of the last five releases. So, basically, they're raking in the dough, and I'm stuck writing about it. Life isn't fair. I need a drink.

Johnson & Johnson: Band-Aids and Big Bucks

Next, we've got Johnson & Johnson. Last quarter, they "topped expectations" with their earnings and their 2026 guidance. Whatever that means. This quarter, their earnings per share are expected to have fallen slightly. Shares are up 15% year to date. But wait for it they beat earnings expectations a whopping 95% of the time. Seems like those baby powder lawsuits ain't slowing them down. Bender is watching you.

JPMorgan Chase: Dimon's Cautious Crystal Ball

JPMorgan Chase is also reporting earnings. Last quarter, they topped estimates thanks to "strong trading revenue." This quarter, analysts expect earnings and revenue growth of around 7%. Jamie Dimon, their CEO, tends to be more cautious than other CEOs. What a wimp. JPMorgan Chase earnings beat expectations 82% of the time. However, the stock fell after the last three releases. Maybe Dimon should try being a little less cautious and a little more Bender.

Netflix and Chill... With Disappointing Earnings?

Finally, we have Netflix. Last quarter, they had a "narrow earnings beat" and reported 325 million global subscribers. This quarter, analysts expect year-on-year earnings growth of around 15%. Goldman Sachs is apparently "bullish" on Netflix. But here's the kicker Netflix shares fell after the company's last three earnings releases, including a 10% drop on the back of its third-quarter figures. Maybe they should stop cancelling my favorite shows and focus on making money. Just a thought.