Eat My Shorts AI Stocks Go Bonkers in China

• Chinese AI companies unveil upgraded models sparking stock rallies.
• Zhipu AI's GLM-5 model claims to rival Anthropic and surpass Google in coding.
• Premier Li Qiang urges comprehensive AI implementation to unlock potential.
• Despite the AI surge, broader Chinese tech giants like Tencent and Alibaba see stock declines.

Ay, Caramba AI Stocks Go Wild

Hey, hey, it's Bart Simpson here, your favorite underachiever and AI stock market guru. Okay, maybe not the guru part, but even I can see that something’s cookin' in China. Word on the street – or, you know, the internet – is that Chinese AI stocks are going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Zhipu AI, which sounds like something Milhouse would name his pet rock, saw their stock price do a 'cowabunga' after releasing their GLM-5 model. They're saying it's like, super smart and can code like a boss.

Eat My Shorts, Google and Anthropic

So, Zhipu AI is bragging that their GLM-5 is going head-to-head with Anthropic's Claude Opus 4.5 and even leaving Google's Gemini 3 Pro in the dust. Can you believe it, man? Maybe now Lisa will finally have some competition for the smartest Simpson. Of course, CNBC couldn't verify these claims, but hey, a little healthy competition never hurt anyone, right? Maybe now is the time to check out Barrick Mining's Fortune Awaits Bold Moves, it's totally unrelated but ya never know, man.

Don't Have a Cow, Man, More AI Models Dropping

But wait, there's more. MiniMax also jumped on the bandwagon with their M2.5 model. They're calling it a coding and agentic workflow master. Sounds intense, right? Even DeepSeek, which apparently made a splash last year, upgraded its AI model with more memory and knowledge. It's like everyone's trying to one-up each other. Even Ant Group is throwing its hat in the ring with Ming-Flash-Omni 2.0, which can make everything from speech to sound effects. It's like a whole new level of artificial intelligence, dude.

I Didn't Do It the Rise of AI Suppliers

And it's not just the AI developers making bank. Companies that supply these AI giants are also cashing in. UCloud Tech, which helps Zhipu with computing, saw its stock skyrocket. Even SenseTime, which used to be all about facial recognition, is now riding the AI wave. It's like the whole world's gone AI-crazy, man. But hey, who am I to judge? At least it's more interesting than detention with Mrs. Krabappel. He he.

Premier Li Says "Go AI" But...

Even Premier Li Qiang is getting in on the action. He wants everyone to use AI in all sorts of situations. Sounds like someone's been watching too many sci-fi movies. But here's the catch: while these AI startups are swimming in dough, the big tech companies like Tencent and Alibaba are taking a nosedive. Looks like even in the world of AI, there are winners and losers, man. Life is unfair, I guess.

Smell You Later, Tech Giants?

So, what's the takeaway here? China's betting big on AI, and some companies are hitting the jackpot. But it's not all sunshine and rainbows for everyone. It's like when I try to prank Principal Skinner – sometimes it works, sometimes I end up cleaning the chalkboard after school. The world of tech is always changing, and if you're not careful, you might just end up saying, 'Eat my shorts' to your own stock portfolio.