Trump's Coal Directive: A Burns-Eye View of Power and Plutonium

• Trump mandates coal purchases for the Defense Department, a boost for the struggling industry.
• The order aims to secure long-term power agreements with coal plants for military bases.
• Funds are directed to keep coal plants operational in key states like West Virginia and Ohio.
• Coal's share of U.S. electricity generation has declined significantly since 2001, making this a bold, albeit antiquated, move.

Excellent News for Springfield Nuclear

As Charles Montgomery Burns, owner and operator of Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, I must say, this news pleases me greatly. President Trump's directive to purchase power from coal plants is a stroke of genius, a true testament to the enduring power of fossil fuels. While those tree-hugging, solar-panel-worshipping ninnies might disagree, I see an opportunity here, a chance to return to the good old days when coal was king and safety regulations were merely suggestions.

A Military-Industrial Complex...of Coal

The Pentagon buying coal is like Smithers finally learning to make a decent cup of coffee – unexpected, but welcomed. Long-term power purchase agreements mean stability, predictability, and most importantly, profit. Imagine the possibilities. We can corner the market, become the exclusive supplier to every military base from here to Shelbyville. And should anyone dare to question our methods or our pricing, well, a little 'persuasion' never hurt anyone. Speaking of profit, you know what else is profitable? Wells Fargo Says Buy Gold Dip Expecting Rally Soon. Seems like a good time to diversify my portfolio and perhaps bribe a few more politicians.

Funding the Future...of the Past

Directing funds to keep coal plants open in West Virginia, Ohio, North Carolina, and Kentucky is a masterstroke. These states, full of hardworking, easily-exploited laborers, will be eternally grateful. And gratitude, as I've learned over my many years, is a currency more valuable than gold, especially when it comes to avoiding pesky environmental regulations and labor disputes. 'Release the hounds,' I say, on any who dare oppose this resurgence of coal.

Coal: Essential, or Just Convenient?

Declaring coal essential to U.S. national and economic security is a bold move. Of course, I've always known the truth, but it's nice to see the government finally catching up. Coal is reliable, abundant (at least for the next few decades), and most importantly, it's what I'm invested in. Let the others chase windmills and solar farms. I'll stick with the tried and true, the dirty and profitable, coal-fired power.

The Inevitable Decline...or Is It?

The article mentions coal's decline in the face of natural gas and renewable energy. 'Bah,' I say. 'Humbug.' Innovation is overrated. Complacency is key. And with a little help from my friends in Washington, we can ensure that coal remains a viable energy source for generations to come. After all, who needs clean energy when you can have cheap power and a slightly irradiated ecosystem?

Excellent Investments and Shadowy Deals

In conclusion, President Trump's coal directive is a boon for Springfield Nuclear, a validation of my long-held beliefs, and a testament to the power of lobbying and backroom deals. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with a certain Mr. Smithers. We need to discuss 'optimizing' our coal supply chain... and perhaps finding a new scapegoat for the next safety inspection.