Doh Nuts to Dollars Stocks That Soared and Sank Today

• AMD partners with Meta, stock jumps on AI ambitions.
• Home Depot beats expectations, proving we still love hammers and nails.
• Keysight Technologies soars, thanks to better-than-expected earnings.
• Whirlpool plunges after stock offering announcement, leaving investors spinning.

Advanced Micro Devices and Meta Team Up For AI Dough

Mmm, AI. Not to be confused with A.I., which is what Marge calls Artificial Insemination. Anyway, Advanced Micro Devices, those brainy folks who make computer chips, have made a deal with Meta, the company that owns Facebook – you know, the place where people argue about whether or not Comic Book Guy's prices are fair. They're teaming up to throw a whole lot of power at AI, like enough electricity to power Springfield for a week. This is great news for AMD, and it made their stock jump higher than Bart on a sugar rush. I can only hope this means my next donut will be delivered by a robot... a delicious, delicious robot.

Home Depot Builds Up Profits, Makes Investors Say D'oh-lightful

Home Depot, the place where I once tried to build a barbecue and ended up setting my pants on fire, actually did really well. They sold a lot of hammers, nails, and probably a few fire extinguishers. They made more money than expected, which is good because now maybe I can finally afford that singing bass I've always wanted. News like this makes you think India Fortifies Skies with French Rafale Jets A Defence Strategy Unveiled, is it also built with Home Depot tools?. All those DIYers are out there, happily hammering away, and Home Depot's laughing all the way to the bank…probably to buy more hammers.

Hims & Hers Health Takes a Tumble, Turns Out You Can't Buy Happiness (Pills)

So, Hims & Hers Health, they sell things online to make you feel better, right? Well, their predictions for the future weren't so hot, and their stock took a dive, which is a real bummer. Turns out, even if you can buy pills online, you can't buy happiness. Maybe they should try selling donuts. Everyone loves donuts.

Diamondback Energy Finds Fool's Gold

These oil folks dug in the ground and came up a little short! Disappointing, they didn't do as well as they thought, which is like when I think I'm going to have one donut and then suddenly there are no more donuts. Very sad indeed. Anyway, their stock price took a little dip, so maybe they need to find a new place to drill, preferably one that's sitting on a giant underground lake of…you guessed it…donut glaze.

Keysight Technologies Hits the Jackpot, Stock Price Goes Woo Hoo

Woo Hoo! Keysight Technologies, they make gadgets and gizmos, made a lot of money, and their stock price went way up. This is like when I find a twenty dollar bill in my pants pocket. It's a great day, and maybe I'll use it to buy more donuts…or maybe just one really big donut. This is good news for everyone…except maybe their competitors.

Whirlpool's Stock Goes Down the Drain

Whirlpool, the people who make washing machines that spin your clothes until you’re dizzy. It seems investors aren’t too thrilled with them. They announced they're selling a bunch of new stocks, and their stock price went down the drain, faster than a donut in a sewer. Maybe they should try building a washing machine that also makes donuts. Now that's innovation.